I am not just with you, I am one of you.
It has taken me a very long time to publish those words in a place that people from my hometown would see, where my family could possibly read them. I haven’t necessarily been shy about acknowledging my non-heteronormative identity around friends and in the comments sections of other blogs, but I have never really, at least until last week, published anything on the blog or in my social media that confirmed I’ve dated women.
Obviously, that has been a deliberate decision.
For one thing, I still don’t know what I am, what label to choose. There’s no real definition that fits the complex nature of my sexual identity. I find women attractive. I find men attractive. I find androgyny incredibly attractive. Mostly, though, I am less sexually attracted to people than aesthetically so. Maybe I’m what the kids these days call biromantic demisexual? I don’t know. I don’t really need to name it—but not being able to attach that label means that talking about my orientation is more complicated for me.
There’s another reason that I haven’t really said much, though–because I can easily blend in, I do. Because I met the partner of my dreams and he was decidedly male, because we are both cis-gender, we look like a heteronormative couple. I hide behind my cis-gender, heterosexual marriage and heteronormative life. It is easy and safe. So many of you do not–cannot–hide. I don’t have to incur the same struggles that so many of you do, something I am always are of.
Many of you lost your lives this weekend because you did not hide. And I want you to know: I see you, and you are brave and beautiful and fearsome.
I am sorry that we’ve failed you, that we keep failing you. I am sorry that your lives are made more difficult–that many of your lives have ended–because of sex and sexuality. I am sorry that I still often say “your” in these discussions instead of “our” because I have a complex relationship with my sexuality and wouldn’t know how to identify myself if I tried. I’m sorry I haven’t been more vocal.
I am with you, always.